What not to say when fighting with your Spouse

If you are a reader here, whether of a few posts or more, you most likely know how much I write about how we should speak in our marriage. An important key to peace in marriage is in our tongue. It can break us or make us.

 

For instance you can see my breaking point from my marriage that I experienced in this post.

 

The way we speak to our spouses speaks volumes about the things that are in our hearts, whether our spouse was the one who put the wounds there or not.

 

From experience in the past to even now, there are seven things I have learned what not to say whether in argument with my spouse or not. These seven statements are ones that we can not take back and subsequently lead us to a place that we wish we never did say.

 

Also from experience, I now know I do not want to ever live like that again. To fear that the awful words I said in a argument to the person I love could lead to hurt and unforgiveness.

The way we speak to our spouses speaks volumes about the things that are in our hearts, whether our spouse was the one who put the wounds there or not. Share on X

Those words do not only affect the person you hope to hurt but also affects you because it will suffer in your marriage. A marriage is a spiritual bond and covenant with God. Once you are in covenant with God then there is no way to getting away from the conviction after speaking against the marriage the Lord blessed us with.

 

7 Things to never say to your spouse.

 

The word Divorce:

In the heat of arguments it can become easy for someone to slip the word divorce out. Do Not do that! I repeat, do not say the word divorce while in a argument. Divorce is heartbreaking. Even the vision of divorcing is heartbreaking. That is not a word to toss around.

Unless you are being abused or experiencing adultery, addictions, and any other horrendous situation in the marriage and have been given godly instruction of how to go forward in your marriage, divorce is not a word to use. Even through those instances I just mentioned, it is important to use that word in all sensitivity, not out of anger or resentment.

Saying that word will led to breaking a spiritual bond. It gives the enemy even more room to work against your marriage.

Vision being shouted towards you that they want to divorce you. Wouldn’t you feel rejected, vulnerable, hurt, angry, and much more? When you really think about it, would you want the person you love and once said vows to, to ever feel any of those emotions because of a word you said out of anger?

Saying that word will led to breaking a spiritual bond. It gives the enemy even more room to work against your marriage. - 7 Things to never say to your spouse... Share on X

You/I should leave?

This is very closely to the lines of the word divorce. I remember long ago, there was a time that I thought I was so much better of a person because I didn’t use the word divorce. Instead I found a loophole. I would say… “Maybe it’s better i just leave”. Leaving the imagination to work in his mind…. “For how long? Does she mean divorce? Does she love me? Do I want her to leave? Do I want to leave?”

That is manipulation and a plan for destruction.

Make a commitment in your marriage immediately those words are not to be spoken to one another.

It will be the best thing for you both. 

 

You always/never

“You always” or “You never” used in a negative way negates the positive. Why? Because once you say the words “always” or “never”, our minds immediately receives the negativity part of that word and replaces it with us believing either we have not tried hard enough in the area the person is referring to(which may not be true) or that our spouse does not see the positive parts of us. It can become very discouraging.

Food for thought…. Did you know for every negative thing you say to the person that loves you and looks up to you, it will take thirteen compliments to replace it?

 

Comparison to other spouses or marriages

Comparison is usually a root steaming from unhappiness, low self esteem, or from little confidence. Comparing yourself to others goes hand in hand with envy which is why our unhappiness will search for what looks better. Who around us has it easier or better but this is not healthy or reality for us or the people around us, especially our spouse.

The spirit of comparison has a way of slithering through so many other spirits that will literally destroy your marriage. When you compare your spouse to someone one else, you are giving the impression of not enough. Not enough leads to feeling rejected. Rejection generally leads to a place we would never want to lead the person we love to.  

Related Posts:

How to stop the battle in marriage before it starts.

12 Christian based posts about restoring Marriage.

How to embrace Holy Suffering in Marriage.

Ignoring

Ignoring your spouse is still saying something.

Let’s be honest, purposefully ignoring our spouse is usually out of selfishness and/or avoiding communication with them. This is just as hurtful as saying something against them verbally. Ignoring your spouse can lead to them feeling rejected or neglected which then can provoke them to turn on their own defense mode. Ignoring can cause more harm than good.

Just as I mentioned before, it can make the imagination drift away because with the lack of communication they do not know how you feel. When they are only feeling conflict, then their minds are most likely to drift to negativity. That should never be something we hope to rise. 

Anything against family members out of spite.

I totally understand that not everyone has the perfect in-laws. I have witnessed people experience some hard stuff with their spouses family but that is still your spouse’s family and hurtful words during a heated argument should never be used.

The best way to handle situations that may be a burden, cause hurt, or anything else from each others families should be dealt with sensitivity. You want your spouse to see that you respect him/her. You may not respect everything the family does or have done but give respect to the person you married.

Instead of using family situations against each other during arguments, learn how to sit and speak to them why you do not like the things that are going on within the families. This will teach you both to be a team during those situations.

Truth is, we may see what our own families do but if someone is lashing out against us/them, majority of the time, our first reaction is to defend (because that is who/where we came from) which then can make our spouse feel like we agree with them, not you.

 

Insults

Insulting your spouse can come in many forms such as name calling, talking down to them, or complaining about them but as a spouse that may want to insult within a moment’s time, the insults that usually come out easily is what you intimately know about them.

What most people may not think as hurtful, may actually be the exact word, statement, or reaction that is the most hurtful to your spouse.

We know our spouses like no one else will ever know, which can feel like an advantage on the playing field when you are trying to hurt their feelings but it can actually become a very dangerous tool.

In my previous marriage, I knew faults in my spouse that no one recognized or focused on. With all sincerity and compassion, I knew how sensitive those topics were to him and never wanted him to feel ashamed that I knew those things. As his wife my deepest desire was to help him through it but the moment I was in a heated argument with him and was starting to feel weak within, I would shout those things at him. It hurt him. It caused him to lose trust in me and to believe I had no desire to watch him succeed. That is a hard road to overcome!

Also keep in mind the saying, “It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it.”

Your tone can make a suggestion or observation turn into a insult real quick. Please do not do that to the person you love!

 

My prayer today is that this post gave you insight to words that can lead harm in our marriages and encourages you to speak with gentelness to your spouse. Marriage is one of the most self sacrificing thing you will do and yes it can be frustrating because sometimes we begin to feel like we are the only one trying but that is exactly what the enemy wants you to dwell on.  He only wants you to see what your spouse is doing or not doing and how you are trying so hard during all the arguments to the point that our minds become overwhelmed with those thoughts.  At that point we are not longer setting our minds on things the Lord wants us to see and do. Becoming overwhelmed may lead us to say some of these seven things listed but there is still hope. 

Our hope in our marriage lies in the same thing Christ did for us: humbly laying down His self and serving full repentance, along with giving the example of forgiveness of sin. 

Go to your spouse, apologize for your reactions and the words you may have said that has hurt them, seek their forgiveness, and allow the process of restoration to take place. 

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