Marriage is and will be the hardest thing you will have to bear, endure, and fight for. It is a lifelong decision to give all surrender to.
When we are single we are seeking marriage with a deep yearning. When we are engaged the fairy tales of creating a big wedding coming true brings full satisfaction to the wait we had to endure. Then suddenly when we are married thoughts creep in that deter us with fears, unrealistic expectations, and double standard thoughts.
We strive to get pass it all and ask God to show us why we married him. Why did we say “I do”? Why did he enter into our life?
Those questions to our self as a bride does nothing but continue to build the fears, the harmful thoughts of feeling lonely, and the desire for him to meet “our” own needs.
It brings in temptation, anger, resentment, and a weaknesses that refuses the strength that is freely given unto us if we just ask God for it.
Lately, in social media platforms, the word of divorce, separation, adultery, and substance abuse has been easily used and freely given as a story behind why we are doing what we are doing as wives.
This has truly broken and continues to break my heart.
Do I believe there is a point of divorce in some cases and that even the godly marriages can come to the end?
Yes, to an certain extent.
Being a divorced Christian woman was the hardest thing in my life thus far that I have had to accept. I questioned God and I was broken over the decision that took place in my marriage.
I was not ready to give up, even though the years of fighting for it was exhausting, hurtful, and a long dreaded process. But I still felt I had enough strength to keep fighting for it even with the repeated actions on both parts. (I say “both parts” because even with horrific actions that happened, I still have accountability on the other side of things; you will see why in a minute).
There came a time the Lord spoke to me and confirmed repeatedly I had to accept the divorce papers. I had to accept that he wanted to leave. It is an indescribable feeling to watch a spouse walk out into the world and to no longer be in one accord with them but instead have to silently let them walk into what you know is not of God.
One night after laying before God, seeking Him to give me some contentment behind why all happened that did.
I walked through numerous memories that started as far back as being engaged.
My words were harsh, my time was only for my benefit, my needs were more important, my nagging was louder. I felt I needed to be heard more than he did. My visions and dreams were more important. My ways was the best way and most of the time, the only way. The love was conditional.
Most would and have said to me that what he did was by far so much worse. I did not deserve what had been done to me.
Not just others have said this to me but even my own thoughts would justify “At least I never made you wonder if I was coming home at night, at least you never feared if I was cheating, at least you never had to wonder if you were good enough to fight for!”
In my mind, my actions were justified with the thoughts of “At least”….. It was a form of comparing my sin to his sin.
No sin is to be comparable. Sin is sin.
As the Lord showed me all the pastimes that I yelled at him instead of comforting him when he needed it and all the times that I walked out the door to get away from him instead staying to listen; my heart broke as a woman that wanted to be a godly wife. I desired to be a good wife but the lies of “At least” took over. Those were the things I had to confess and ask for forgiveness to continue to build as a woman of God.
In between my previous marriage to my marriage now, the Lord had to restore me. I had to reflect on those things that once hurt a marriage and face them as giants that had to be conquered.
The reflection in between the marriages did not cause me to stop praying for myself as a wife, just because I was single but in the contrary, it increased mightily. I was praying for myself as a wife before knowing if I was ever going to be a wife again. Not knowing if I would be one in two years, five years, or ten years. I just knew it was a desire of mine and I needed to be in a position that I was willing to allow God to work on me, build me, restore me, and teach me about being a godly wife.
Here are ten attributes the Lord gave me to develop and grow in to become a woman of God that would one day be ready for marriage again. These attributes came from a learning experience; these are the qualities that can save a marriage and that will develop you to be well equipped for a god fearing marriage.
Ten Attributes that can Save a Marriage
For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: Matthew 6:14 KJV
2. Unconditional Love
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. John 15:12
Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21 ESV
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 1 Peter 5:6
Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love. 1 Corinthian 16:13-14 NKJV
And also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel Ephesians 6:19 ESV
7. Good Listener
Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge. Proverbs 18:15 NLT
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 1 Peter 3:8 ESV
Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29 ESV
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. Colossians 4:6
Whether you are preparing for marriage, trying to restore a marriage, or even working proactively to prevent any measure of disconnection in your marriage, allow God to be the center of the marriage. It will truly be the best thing you can do for it. As someone that has passion for marriage, I personally know how easily the enemy can creep into our minds, our words, and into our hearts to build hardness but I also know what God can do to restore us and build us for success in marriage. All He needs to do that is for us to fully surrender.