Faith

Divorce as a Christian Woman

 

Becoming a Divorced Christian Woman was one of the hardest things I had to bear through in my adult life. On top of everything else, I was becoming a Divorced Christian Mother of two young children.

 

I felt like a failure, like a defeated vessel that was overused and exhausted from what I felt like disgrace that was soon to be shown upon my face.

 

When I think back to the night that took place seven years ago, I remember finishing my ex-husbands answers as he admitted with his own tongue for the first time of an ongoing affair. As he continued to talk I finished the words “She’s pregnant.” The sound of the rain pounding on the windows made his crying sound muffled but still without having to fully hear him I was still able to finish the words of him saying  “I don’t want to but I have to.” And the least he expected for me complete was, “It’s a girl.”

 

My stomach drenched with sorrow as I said the words “It’s a girl”.  We were then trying for another child thinking it could be a quick fix to fulfill a void we were both feeling the past year. We shared the same hopes for a baby girl.

 

With his eyes wide opened, he uttered the words, “How did you know?” The rest of me could not speak anymore. But my mind raced rapidly as I remembered the dream I just had weeks before. The vision of me writing the dream in my prayer journal became an eerie error to me.

 

To what I thought was a pleasant dream of me birthing a child for me and my then husband, which of whom was a little girl that was being cradled in my arms as I sang to her, then switched to becoming a fear in my life.

 

The memory of the smell of the rain as he opened the door to our home to walk out after we had just laid our children down to bed stood with me for years. The drift cold air that came through my bedroom window that night as I saw the wedding band on our dresser made my skin crawl for months on.

 

But the memory of laying out on my bedroom floor crying out to the Lord after he left the home that night is unforgettable.

 

I still remember the soaking of my tears in the carpet. I remember debating whether to call my mother, my best friend, or anyone that would take my side and speak the words of hurt that I could not say. But nothing in me could do anything but lay there and cry “Lord, I receive Your presence. I receive Your healing. Lord, help me to forgive.” Those words were constant from my mouth. So much so that I fell asleep saying them and even dreamt of repeating the words in my sleep.

 

When I woke the next morning, it all felt like I was waking up from a numbing nightmare and to make it worse I was visited with constant taunting thoughts of where it could have all gone wrong.

 

Although there was much destruction in the marriage for years before the pain of adultery and the soon to be result of divorce, it was not what I had visioned as a Christian wife. And even though the marriage was unequally yoked between a saved and an unsaved spouse, the faith that I had of him becoming saved never ceased during the hardest of times.

 

Even when friends later expressed  painful words to me that consist of them expressing they were not surprised of the actions from a man that was still of the world, it did not dishonor the faith I once had as a Christian wife.

 

No, my marriage was not saved and yes, it took years to fully forgive all the situations that follows a divorce from an unsaved spouse but I will never say God was not in it.

 

He was it the moment I would pray for reconciliation and restoration. He was in it the moment I prayed for healing and forgiveness. He was in it the moment I wept before Him and requested Him to protect me from all the hurt that was to come and the burdens that felt too heavy. He was in it when I requested Him to remove all in my life that was not of His plan.

 

We are our own person who receives the calling of the Lord. Who makes the clear decision to take heed to the direction of the Lord.

 

When God called me by name the day I was saved, my ex husband was in the same home as me. When the doors were opened for reconciliation and restoration I breathed in the words with hope and desire as the words of denying the presence of God was spoken next to me. When I wept over the same verse “Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning” was clearly spoken aloud to both of us from a book that was given to us about marriage.

 

I am no better because I listened to the calling at the time. It was just a time I came to a realization I needed to follow. It took me 24 years to follow so I know it’s not that I was always following and listening. It was just a time I just decided to follow. Simple as that.

 

Did I want to cry and scream at him to just receive the leading and the presence of God, yes, absolutely. But I am not God. I was not his holy spirit. All I was, was his then-wife learning to become an example.

 

Seven years later I can still stay I fought the hardest fight I ever fought with grace and humbleness and I walked away knowing I did what God told me to do during each situation for the following year that came with a trial of divorce with children.

 

As I developed my relationship with God by reading my bible daily, staying connected with my community within the church, and learning to discipline my mind and torturous thoughts of shame and disgrace as a Christian Divorced Woman, I was able to open my eyes to see that He answered every prayer that I requested.

 

I now look at the godly husband that I ever so much prayed for years ago and see that God restored. I look at my children that once was bearing the unbearable with me is now healthy minded active children. I look at my relationship with the Lord and I am so thankful for everything I learned through all that I went through seven years ago.

 

I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. “You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame.    Joel 2:25-26 ESV

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.   1 Peter 5:10    ESV

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31 Comments

  • Reply
    Elinor Shinehoft
    March 23, 2017 at 7:43 am

    Despite the fact that the story is somewhat extraordinary the agony the same and the recuperating came just from God and his oath. You are such a consolation as an author, a Christian lady, a separated mother.

  • Reply
    Maddie
    March 14, 2017 at 3:58 am

    Thank you for sharing this with us. Many who are going through this same thing will find encouragement in your words and the way God worked through you. You are a beautiful human being. Thank you, again.

    • Reply
      [email protected]
      March 14, 2017 at 7:32 am

      You are so sweet Maddie! Thank you for reading it and leaving me your kind words!

  • Reply
    Stephanie Harris
    March 13, 2017 at 6:48 pm

    Love that you shared this…I too was in your shoes six years ago. Although the story is slightly different the pain the same and the healing came only from God and his word. You are such an encouragement as a writer, a Christian woman, a divorced mom. I look forward to learning more, growing in faith of all God has in store from your example and leadership.

    • Reply
      [email protected]
      March 14, 2017 at 7:32 am

      Thank you so much Stephanie for your kind words and encouragement. I almost cried reading your comment. It was such a hard post to write but it is such a blessing to know it speaks to others.

  • Reply
    Erin@ www.burdenfreecaregiving.com
    March 13, 2017 at 6:53 am

    Powerful and amazing testimony! Your honesty will bless many others. I am pinning this now.
    Erin@ http://www.burdenfreecaregiving.com recently posted…Win New JewelryMy Profile

  • Reply
    Valerie Murray
    March 11, 2017 at 10:17 pm

    Thank you for sharing your powerful testimony. I’m so sorry for the pain you experienced. I can’t help but think how your words bring hope and life into the hurting hearts of women who are going through the same thing. When our hearts are utterly broken, God is the strength of our hearts and our portion forever. I pray that all the women who are deep in this pain right now would feel God’s presence with them giving them strength to face the unknown.

  • Reply
    Liz Rigby
    March 11, 2017 at 8:50 pm

    My parents were divorced and I can honestly say that I have SUCH a good marriage because my parents had such a bad one. I don’t know the purpose behind your trials, but it might actually be exactly what your kids needed for their own futures. I’m excited to see how my boys turn out since we make such a point of teaching them about what real godly love is.

  • Reply
    Charmaine
    March 11, 2017 at 5:03 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story, I read it in tears I too have just gone through a divorce and that first night after my then husband walked out of our lives leaving two children behind I cried many nights, I could not sleep, was not eating, I had to keep it together for the children sake, the youngest being 3yrs old, at that time keeping them in routine was important for me, they did not deserve this. I felt like a failure, I felt empty, one of my friends congratulated me on my divorce, I no longer consider her my friend, it has been 3mts now and I still cry but I rely on God for strength, many days I can’t pray I just cry, I did not receive any support from church or family, often I remember Job and what he went through and how God restored him, I also find comfort in the words of the Bible when God said he will not leave nor forsake me, every day that ends I thank God for keeping me and the children, every morning I thank him for a new beginning to do better than yesterday, I know the journey will be a long one but hearing your testimony helps me to know I’m not alone in this walk, thank you.

    • Reply
      [email protected]
      March 11, 2017 at 8:29 pm

      Charmaine, I just cried reading your comment. I felt like you re-wrote the beginning of my trails that I once had to bear through in the beginning of divorce. Although I had a very supportive family and church I also lost friends over the matter because I refused to accept the negativity and words of encouraging divorce. This is not what God intended and that is why it hurts so badly. There is a deep lost when you divorce. My youngest was also three years old when the divorce happened and keeping everything to a routine is important so it is wise for you to be doing that. I am so happy to know you are still putting your trust in God and that you are staying in His word. Doing that will keep helping you more than you know. It will protect you from so much other pain that could try to creep in. Thank you for reading and commenting! I will be in touch! xoxo

  • Reply
    Marva | SunSparkleShine
    March 11, 2017 at 2:50 pm

    Carmen, isn’t it beautiful how God can take the broken and make them whole? And it’s not because you were able to find love again but to have found forgiveness and hope in Christ — now that’s beautiful!
    Thank you for sharing your story as painful as it might have been. I pray that many will be blessed by it!
    Marva | SunSparkleShine recently posted…How To Be Bold For Spiritual Change Right Where You AreMy Profile

    • Reply
      [email protected]
      March 11, 2017 at 8:30 pm

      Thank you Marva for reading and commenting! That means so much to me! And especially thank you for your blessings!

  • Reply
    Sarah- Inkblots of Hope
    March 11, 2017 at 10:33 am

    I love reading about Christ’s redemptive power to save when all seems hopeless. Even though that “saving” didn’t come in the form you originally thought with a reconciled marriage to your first husband, I am so amazed to hear of His power to forever thread you to a man who bears the name of Christ follower. Thank you for sharing your story, Carmen. It was an honor to read it. 🙂

    • Reply
      [email protected]
      March 11, 2017 at 12:17 pm

      Thank you so much Sarah for reading it. I am honored that you did! God is so good and he definitely did not do what I hoped for but instead He did better. He gave me a life I never thought I was worthy enough to have.

  • Reply
    Jennifer DeFrates/Heaven Not Harvard
    March 10, 2017 at 4:33 pm

    I went through this, and our marriage was not restored. I don’t believe it could have been, but I grieved and had to move on. He married and divorced her as well in the years since a similar tear-soaked night. God can always restore a heart that is willing. I pray for my current husband and family that God be present in our lives and home in a real and concrete way. Thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know we are not alone.
    Jennifer DeFrates/Heaven Not Harvard recently posted…How to Be a Godly Woman in a Modern WorldMy Profile

    • Reply
      [email protected]
      March 10, 2017 at 10:21 pm

      Jennifer, I can completely relate to you with your story too! And yes, divorce is definitely a grieving process. I am so thankful all the time for having a willing heart to be healed and to make the choice to forgive. Because of that, the Lord blessed me with a wonderful man of God 3 years later after my divorce. It was a process to heal but well worth it. I was able to marry without hurt, pain, or unforgiveness towards my past which could’ve hurt my future. Many blessings to you and your family! Thank you for commenting and reminding me we are not alone.

  • Reply
    Na'omi Keith
    March 9, 2017 at 8:13 am

    Thank you for sharing this.

  • Reply
    Kristi Woods
    March 8, 2017 at 1:25 pm

    Oh, Carmen, consider these words a Christian friend coming alongside you. (And if hugs across the internet were available, I’d be sending a big one your way!) How you reached out to God in those terrible moments is such a testimony to His strength and love. I don’t love that you went through the trial, but I love how there’s joy on the other side. Praise God. You’re brave and a women with a heart after God. Thank you for sharing your testimony.
    Kristi Woods recently posted…#YourStory: Susan B. MeadMy Profile

    • Reply
      [email protected]
      March 8, 2017 at 10:25 pm

      Kristi, Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and for your love through the internet. = ) God has been so good to me and all that I have endured. I cant imagine having to go through it all without Him.

  • Reply
    Michelle Nietert
    March 8, 2017 at 9:46 am

    As a counselor who works with many many people going through divorce, I appreciated both your honesty and your words of wisdom.

  • Reply
    Diane
    March 4, 2017 at 4:49 pm

    As someone who has gone through divorce, I know how difficult it is to share. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story and you are not alone.

    • Reply
      [email protected]
      March 10, 2017 at 10:24 pm

      Thank you Diane! This post was definitely a challenge for me but I have to remember I am free from it and it is one of my greatest testimonies of how much God was faithful to me. God is good!

  • Reply
    Jessica
    March 3, 2017 at 11:58 am

    Your candor, transparency, and faith are beautiful to read. Thank you for your courage and honesty in sharing your story. You are proof that God can transform and redeem any situation.

    • Reply
      [email protected]
      March 10, 2017 at 10:25 pm

      Thank you Jessica! You sweet words have touched my heart so much! God can definitely redeem any situation!

  • Reply
    Elaine @MilitaryWifeAfterGod
    March 3, 2017 at 11:54 am

    Wow, Carmen! Thank you so much for sharing your story. This will bless so many women out there so they know they are not alone! I am so sorry you had to experience this-your heart is so beautiful and it’s difficult to know people like you go through things like this. But you are who you are because of the things you have endured and you have surely come out stronger than ever before! Visiting from Grace&Truth and scheduling to share on my FB page. You’re an inspiration!

    • Reply
      [email protected]
      March 10, 2017 at 10:27 pm

      Thank you so much Elaine for your compassion to me and your encouragement! I would like to think that was something I wish I didn’t have to go through but I truly don’t think I wouldn’t have seen all of who God truly is if I didn’t. This was a time in my life that was gut wrenching and painful to the max but yet God was working in me more than I can ever express or phantom.

  • Reply
    Natalie @ Milk & Honey Faith
    March 3, 2017 at 1:02 am

    Thank you for being courageous enough to share your story. I know that it will encourage many facing similar circumstances. There is hope in all situations. Love you sister❤️

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