Becoming a Divorced Christian Woman was one of the hardest things I had to bear through in my adult life. On top of everything else, I was becoming a Divorced Christian Mother of two young children.
I felt like a failure, like a defeated vessel that was overused and exhausted from what I felt like disgrace that was soon to be shown upon my face.
When I think back to the night that took place seven years ago, I remember finishing my ex-husbands answers as he admitted with his own tongue for the first time of an ongoing affair. As he continued to talk I finished the words “She’s pregnant.” The sound of the rain pounding on the windows made his crying sound muffled but still without having to fully hear him I was still able to finish the words of him saying “I don’t want to but I have to.” And the least he expected for me complete was, “It’s a girl.”
My stomach drenched with sorrow as I said the words “It’s a girl”. We were then trying for another child thinking it could be a quick fix to fulfill a void we were both feeling the past year. We shared the same hopes for a baby girl.
With his eyes wide opened, he uttered the words, “How did you know?” The rest of me could not speak anymore. But my mind raced rapidly as I remembered the dream I just had weeks before. The vision of me writing the dream in my prayer journal became an eerie error to me.
To what I thought was a pleasant dream of me birthing a child for me and my then husband, which of whom was a little girl that was being cradled in my arms as I sang to her, then switched to becoming a fear in my life.
The memory of the smell of the rain as he opened the door to our home to walk out after we had just laid our children down to bed stood with me for years. The drift cold air that came through my bedroom window that night as I saw the wedding band on our dresser made my skin crawl for months on.
But the memory of laying out on my bedroom floor crying out to the Lord after he left the home that night is unforgettable.
I still remember the soaking of my tears in the carpet. I remember debating whether to call my mother, my best friend, or anyone that would take my side and speak the words of hurt that I could not say. But nothing in me could do anything but lay there and cry “Lord, I receive Your presence. I receive Your healing. Lord, help me to forgive.” Those words were constant from my mouth. So much so that I fell asleep saying them and even dreamt of repeating the words in my sleep.
When I woke the next morning, it all felt like I was waking up from a numbing nightmare and to make it worse I was visited with constant taunting thoughts of where it could have all gone wrong.
Although there was much destruction in the marriage for years before the pain of adultery and the soon to be result of divorce, it was not what I had visioned as a Christian wife. And even though the marriage was unequally yoked between a saved and an unsaved spouse, the faith that I had of him becoming saved never ceased during the hardest of times.
Even when friends later expressed painful words to me that consist of them expressing they were not surprised of the actions from a man that was still of the world, it did not dishonor the faith I once had as a Christian wife.
No, my marriage was not saved and yes, it took years to fully forgive all the situations that follows a divorce from an unsaved spouse but I will never say God was not in it.
He was it the moment I would pray for reconciliation and restoration. He was in it the moment I prayed for healing and forgiveness. He was in it the moment I wept before Him and requested Him to protect me from all the hurt that was to come and the burdens that felt too heavy. He was in it when I requested Him to remove all in my life that was not of His plan.
We are our own person who receives the calling of the Lord. Who makes the clear decision to take heed to the direction of the Lord.
When God called me by name the day I was saved, my ex husband was in the same home as me. When the doors were opened for reconciliation and restoration I breathed in the words with hope and desire as the words of denying the presence of God was spoken next to me. When I wept over the same verse “Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning” was clearly spoken aloud to both of us from a book that was given to us about marriage.
I am no better because I listened to the calling at the time. It was just a time I came to a realization I needed to follow. It took me 24 years to follow so I know it’s not that I was always following and listening. It was just a time I just decided to follow. Simple as that.
Did I want to cry and scream at him to just receive the leading and the presence of God, yes, absolutely. But I am not God. I was not his holy spirit. All I was, was his then-wife learning to become an example.
Seven years later I can still stay I fought the hardest fight I ever fought with grace and humbleness and I walked away knowing I did what God told me to do during each situation for the following year that came with a trial of divorce with children.
As I developed my relationship with God by reading my bible daily, staying connected with my community within the church, and learning to discipline my mind and torturous thoughts of shame and disgrace as a Christian Divorced Woman, I was able to open my eyes to see that He answered every prayer that I requested.
I now look at the godly husband that I ever so much prayed for years ago and see that God restored. I look at my children that once was bearing the unbearable with me is now healthy minded active children. I look at my relationship with the Lord and I am so thankful for everything I learned through all that I went through seven years ago.
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. “You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame. Joel 2:25-26 ESV
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10 ESV